I don't know what
to do. My friend Mari and the rest of the gang have been really different
lately. You know, I don't get to hang with them like I used to. School takes
up so much of my time, between traveling and actually being there.
They talk about
stuff that I don't know anything about. And when I ask, they say things like,
"oh, never mind. You were probably at school." And they say it with
this annoying tone like they're making fun of me. I can't help it, you know.
I've got to go to this school. Well, I guess I don't have to, but if I don't
Marcela will really get on my case. Besides, what hope do I have in life if I
don't go. Hell, I'm fourteen, it's not like I've many more years to make
something of myself. I don't want to end up being a drug dealer and going to
jail like my brother. Or married to some jerk, being his slave. Or working my
butt off like my mom at some sweatshop. I don't like school, but I like the
idea of ending up a loser even less.
That's what the
girls don't seem to understand. "So you calling us losers?" Mari asked.
"No, man, but you
should try and learn something too, you know?" I told her.
But they just
shined me on.
Then this week,
they went out with these guys that were super old -- like in their twenties.
They gave them all blow jobs when they were supposed to be in Math class, and
said it was real cool. I figured, what's the big deal. I've done that before.
But to show them I was cool, I picked one of the guys in the neighborhood -
Xavier, and did him. He's seventeen. I started off giving him a blow job, but
then he wanted to do it all, so we did. I don't really like shit like that.
Reminds me of what my brother Carlos did to me. So I'm not into sex. I want to
get it over with as fast as I can. Usually doesn't take guys long anyway. But
I figure I'm stronger than most girls, so I'm not going to cower down and avoid
sex just because I've been raped. Fuck Carlos. He's not going to control my
life and make me afraid of anything.
But what really
sucks is that my friends didn't even appreciate my sacrifice. I remember when
they decided to make a ganga (when I was eleven) and they asked me to tag a
building as part of the initiation. Well, I did it, and someone saw me and
called the cops. They tried to hold me, but I kicked this lady in the stomach
and ran. I got away. And the girls thought I was great. I earned their
respect. But these days, I can't seem to do anything to show them I'm still one
of them.
So, I got pissed
off and left. I went and did some homework, then went out again. I went out
with Xavier's friend--some dude he hangs out with. He bought be a bottle of
tequila and I had sex with him too. What the hell--why not?
Of course, I was
hung way over at school Friday morning, and I felt sort of like shit. But I
also felt in control again. Marcela isn't going to run my whole life, either.
If I feel like partying, I'm going to. She may have gotten me to take my
education seriously, I still gotta be me.
